Artistry of Self Sabotage

I am well versed in the artistry of self sabotage.

All of my life I have been afraid of success. At an early age, I dubbed myself the Master of Self Sabotage. Again and again I have relinquished my title, consistently proving that I will fuck up any good opportunity that comes my way. One of the few areas where my efforts remained consistent.

When the going gets going.

I mean, fuck, I ran off to Australia because I felt that I was settling down.  I was working as a personal chef building up my clientele, my tiny vegan skin & bath care line was starting to gain momentum. But I felt suffocated. I didn’t want to be grounded. Not yet. Everything in me screamed out to cut the ties and release myself into a freefall.

I have consistently followed this pattern throughout my life. Whenever things start to get too real or seem to be working out too well, it’s time to scram. What causes this pattern? Is it success that I’m afraid of? Commitment? Obligation? I know that if I take the leap and strive, it leaves me vulnerable to fail. Is that what I’m afraid of?

Start-and let it fall apart.

When I finally entered the line in a Michelin kitchen, the place I had strived to be after years of slaving away at my craft, gaining the experience that I needed to get there, I was at a loss. It didn’t feel right.  Once I was finally there, I nit-picked all of the reasons that I didn’t want to be. So, I walked away. Leaving an opening for someone who actually wanted to be there.

I told myself that I wanted the discipline. I thought I could endure the abuse and let it shape me into the best Chef I could be. When it all boils down, that is not where I am meant to be. I know that now. But it felt a lot like giving up on my dream at the time.

The unfinished pieces create a full picture.

So, what is it then? Is it a subconscious way of biding my success until the supreme opportunity arises- or am I just my own worst enemy? It’s become a bad habit-starving myself of the opportunities to flourish.

I know that I’ve half assed and passed up many opportunities throughout my life. I often wonder where I would be if I had the drive to really pursue those things in the past, would it have paid off? If my mental illness didn’t hinder me, would I be more successful?

You’re only a failure when you stop trying.

Being where I am now, I don’t regret a thing. My path has been incredibly staggered, but I know where I want to end up. I had to explore those dead ends in order to find my direction. And as it turns out, my path has veered away from professional cooking.

Sometimes it’s okay to walk away from things, leaving them unfinished. Some things are not worth your effort. You’re not necessarily giving up when you walk away from a dream that you thought you wanted, only to find that it doesn’t suit you anymore.

Fresh starts are necessary. Don’t be stagnant. You only become a failure when you truly give up on everything. It doesn’t matter how far you’ve taken things or how long you’ve chased a dream. Any time is an opportune time to move in a different direction.


One comment

  1. Maybe being mentally ill is in a way part of being beautifully human and true to yourself rather than being perfectly fake and disconnected, and maybe this is also the answer to your question as you may get cold feet every time you sense that your goal starts pulling you away from your nature or values and otherwise you’d go with it to the end of the world, makes sense? (btw, I like your honesty. It’s very rare and relatable. Glad I found your blog.)


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